Poran Poreghbal

Trust or Mistrust
A Canadian friend asked me why Iranian men are suspicious of their wives? I said: “not all of them acting this way.” This woman being a psychologist added: “Most of those men come to my office; they are all concerned that their wives would cheat on them.” We discussed whether being suspicious is a psychological problem among these men. I thought of all these women who through the years have told me about their husbands acting this way. I also thought of all women who fear their husband would find a mistress, an act which is easy in our home country and also elsewhere. I thought of the level of fear that brings in negativity and fight.
After thinking more, I thought, this is really true, Iranian men in general are very much afraid that their women would cheat on them, while some of these men are the number one cheaters! Now thinking more, all the couples I have met as a counsellor also have had issues where the man is accusing the wife of “being loose” or “wanting to date others.”
I should now raise the question: Why Iranian men are suspicious of their wives? What is about the notion of trust and mistrust that our suspicious men and women are missing? While there is no real statistic is this area, we can only go with our experiences and observations. In addition, I would remind us of a common sense that when most men are suspicious then, there must be reason in the way of upbringing of these men. Development of trust in early childhood is a psychological argument that we (Iranian) have not heard of in a real scientific way. Erik Erikson and John Bowlby (both psychologists) emphasis the relationship between child and caregiver as the most important element for a child to develop trust and self-concept.
Now I would not make a psychological analysis of how these men may or may not have developed that sense of trust to the “self.” I just want to raise awareness about the big picture. We shall look at the cultural form of this (in my idea) “illness.”
We should realize that Iranian women have always throughout the history faced false accusations of adultery and infidelity. Every time a woman talks about own rights or own needs, she would be accused of thinking about other men! Even if a woman wants to leave her relationship she should have the freedom to do so. However in cases of divorce, Iranian men (most of them) always ridicule the woman for wanting to “find another husband.” Unfortunately some Iranian men in order to maintain their control over women do not hesitate of accusing, threatening, and harassing their women, special if these women complain about anything. If a woman asks for divorce some of these men would then try to hurt woman by accusing her of infidelity, dishonesty and affairs. Why do our men behave like this? Why do our men (some of them) need to be this much in control? I do want to acknowledge that women also can be quite jealous of their husbands and whoever interacts with them. We Iranian have many internal ways of suffering: not trusting anyone, acting suspicious, and jealousy is one of the most painful ones. Many individuals, families, and communities get hurt because of the complications of not having communication about what is right and wrong. When there is no trust in a family there is no hope for building. Being suspicious of our partner takes away the energy for living a healthy life. Now what is really going on with our men and women, who always fear the other one would cheat?
It is no rumor anymore that a number of men in Iran are having affairs with several women at the same time, while having a public family life to cover things up. We hear stories here and there while many of those women have started to talk. The question is who are these women and how they get involved with married men? These are usually women who seek financial support and also emotional connection which they can not find else where. These men use women as sex slaves, as an extra resource while they have quite harsh, rigid, and hard standards for their own daughters: “no dating boys.” So if a man cheats he would then be suspicious to all women. The issue of infidelity need also a big space to analyze, why we just point out that this is a social issue based on low morals and low family values. When thinking about the notion of distrust among some men and also women, I came to think about all those women who stay in their relationships despite many obstacles, struggles and hardship. Most of these women try to work things out, even though they know their marriage is an ill fated one.
Lies and deception are always signs of low moral, lack of respect for others, and anxiety. With lying to someone we just increase disappointments in our relationship. Lying is an unhealthy defence mechanism that we use to save ourselves in a situation. If our relationship is in trouble we better take care of it and solve the issue whether the outcome is not what we want.
Once we jump from one relationship to another in order to rescue our low self-esteem, then we are in danger of not emotionally invest in any relationship at all. If some men are more suspicious of their wives than others, it must be pertinent to the upbringing of these men and also the type of unhealthy relationship they have gotten into. In a man oriented and men controlled society as our home country, it is no strange thing that men are suspicious of their wives, these men know how other men like themselves behave and think! A client once said that her husband always reminds her: “I know how Iranian men think.”
In any case, having suspicious thoughts are unhealthy. These thoughts lead the person to unwanted anxiety, stress, anger, distraction, mental health issues and unhappy moments. What can these men and women do? They should seek help, talk about the issue, and deal with the thought in a healthy way.
If your wife/husband/ woman/man/boyfriend or girlfriend is dishonest, there is a reason for that. Either leave or stay while dealing with the issue in a healthy way. What do I mean with healthy way? I mean seek advice, discuss, talk, and think while controlling your emotions. Obviously trust is a huge building block for every relationship, if we do not trust the other person in our life, how could we live a life together?
Being suspicious to everything in life, that is a disease. If we constantly believe that other people would betray us, lie to us, or destroy us, then we are not living a very healthy life. If we do not trust others we can not have a normal interaction with others and we can not live a social life. If we always think that our partner will cheat on us, then we can not be self-confident and happy. I believe both men and women can suffer from this disease, the illness of being doubtful of everything and anything. If we want to learn more about the notion of trust vs. distrust, we have to check into many other areas of psychology such as personality development and developmental stages. The socio-economic and also socio-cultural factors are also important aspects of developing this illness in our men and women.
For now, we should say: Do not get involve in the cycle of suspicious thoughts and unhealthy behaviours. Seek help!
January 4, 2008
www.middlepeace.com

TO CELEBRATE EARTH DAY

EARTH DAY

I am the Earth
And the Earth is me.
Each blade of grass,
Each honey tree,
Each bit of mud,
And stick and stone
Is blood and muscle,
Skin and bone.
And just as INeed every bit
Of me to make
My body fit,
So Earth needsGrass
and stone and tree
And things that grow hereNaturally.
That's why weCelebrate this day.
That's why across
The world we say:
As long as life,As dear, as free,
I am the Earth
And the Earth is me.

Jane Yolen

Iranians prepare to leap into new year celebrations(north shore news'article,March12,2008)
Zahra Beigi, co-founder, says the Rooyesh Group is a social assemblage that meets every two weeks to talk about a variety of topics, from psychology to social problems. Its membership includes many newcomers to Canada.

"We try to share our ideas, share our pains and come up with solutions together," says Beigi.

The group's Norouz festivities will include the display of the traditional new year table, food and music.

For more information on the Rooyesh Group, visit www.rooyeshgroup.blogspot.com.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

HAPPY NEW YEAR

In harmony with the rebirth of nature, the Iranian New Year Celebration, or NOROOZ, always begins on the first day of spring. Nowruz ceremonies are symbolic representations of two ancient concepts - the End and the Rebirth; or Good and Evil. A few weeks before the New Year, Iranians clean and rearrange their homes. They make new clothes, bake pastries and germinate seeds as sign of renewal.
The ceremonial cloth is set up in each household. Troubadours, referred to as Haji Firuz, disguise themselves with makeup and wear brightly colored outfits of satin. These Haji Firuz, singing and dancing, parade as a carnival through the streets with tambourines, kettle drums, and trumpets to spread good cheer and the news of the coming new year.
The origins of NoRuz are unknown, but they go back several thousand years predating the Achaemenian Dynasty. The ancient Iranians had a festival called "Farvardgan" which lasted ten days, and took place at the end of the solar year. It appears that this was a festival of sorrow and mourning, signifying the end of life while the festival of NoRuz, at the beginning of spring signified rebirth, and was a time of great joy and celebration.

THE HISTORY OF VALENTINE'S DAY

Every February, across the country, candy, flowers, and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine. But who is this mysterious saint and why do we celebrate this holiday? The history of Valentine's Day -- and its patron saint -- is shrouded in mystery. But we do know that February has long been a month of romance. St. Valentine's Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition. So, who was Saint Valentine and how did he become associated with this ancient rite? Today, the Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred.
One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men -- his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.
Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons where they were often beaten and tortured.
Later, during the Middle Ages, it was commonly believed in France and England that February 14 was the beginning of birds' mating season, which added to the idea that the middle of February -- Valentine's Day -- should be a day for romance. The oldest known valentine still in existence today was a poem written by Charles, Duke of Orleans to his wife while he was imprisoned in the Tower of London following his capture at the Battle of Agincourt. The greeting, which was written in 1415, is part of the manuscript collection of the British Library in London, England.
By the middle of the eighteenth century, it was common for friends and lovers in all social classes to exchange small tokens of affection or handwritten notes. By the end of the century, printed cards began to replace written letters due to improvements in printing technology. Ready-made cards were an easy way for people to express their emotions in a time when direct expression of one's feelings was discouraged.
According to the Greeting Card Association, an estimated one billion valentine cards are sent each year, making Valentine's Day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year.Approximately 85 percent of all valentines are purchased by women. In addition to the United States, Valentine's Day is celebrated in Canada, Mexico, the United Kingdom, France, and Australia.
Valentine greetings were popular as far back as the Middle Ages (written Valentine's didn't begin to appear until after 1400), and the oldest known Valentine card is on display at the British Museum.